Two Cows

Thanks Elena!

FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MEXICAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and then you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You retire on the income as the enormous herd grazes the world into desert.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng shui".

TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Mary Ewert Keele University Law Department m.ewert@law.keele.ac.uk